When Panic Attacks Shattered Me, I Rebuilt Stronger With God

I’ve spent a long time thinking whether or not I really want to write this because it would be one of the most personal parts of my life I’ll have to share. At the same time, I thought to myself, what’s there really to be uncomfortable about? Pride? Ego? Then I guessed none of that would matter much compared to the many more important things going on in the world like wars and diseases.

The Onset of Panic Attacks

My anxiety attacks started after I was shocked to hear my parents were hospitalized for dengue back in 2020 when Malaysia just announced its lockdown for Covid-19. It was definitely worrying to hear that, especially for a 17-year-old teenager.

However, it shouldn’t be a big deal right? Like it wasn’t as if they were in a life-threatening situation. And for some unknown reason, I developed a weird form of anxiety attack that haunted me for a year. I’ll try my best to describe in short what went through my body and mind during that gruesome period.

So imagine just wanting to step outside for some fresh air, or just go through online classes like every normal pandemic student then all of a sudden you get a panic attack. No warning signs, no nothing.

Living as a “Prisoner”

For a very long time, I had to be alert for random panic attacks that might occur at any time without reason for an entire year.

The worst part was I didn’t know what I could do about it since I couldn’t figure out what was causing it. I felt like a prisoner of my own body. It felt as if I’d lost the ability to function as a human to do the simplest things without trouble.

I struggled quite a lot mentally during that period. A lot changed in me. It wasn’t just my mental state, but it was my thoughts and personality. I got angry. I got bitter. I was jealous of the people who could enjoy their life normally and how they weren’t appreciating it.

The worst part was my family struggled with me as well, they had their own form of anxiety which manifested differently. All of us weren’t any help being around each other.

I was in a really dark place during that time, all the optimism I had in life originally was thrown right out the window.

The Path to Recovery

Over time by God’s grace, the anxiety went away and my body slowly adapted back to being normal. When things calmed down, that’s when I had time to reflect on everything that happened.

As I was dwelling in my own pool of pain, I realized that I failed to acknowledge that there were people who suffered like me or suffered way worse which I could not see. One great danger amidst the chaos is always dwelling in your own pain, it blinds us to see how other people could be struggling as well.

Honestly, I tried really hard to remember what exactly was that moment of light that brought me to recovery mentally. I really don’t think there was one actually.

Miraculously, it just went away bit by bit. If I really had to describe it, I think that it’s firstly having to accept what has happened. Losing one year of my life all because of some random event, I felt a lot of pain over that. It was really coming to terms with what had already happened that made it easier to start my healing journey.

I was embarrassed by this past that happened to me because it felt like such a random and weird illness that was indescribable, and incapable of being understood by other people.

The biggest challenge came during a camp when I was in a desperate situation that led me to publicly tell a group of large people about my anxiety condition because it opened up a wound that I wanted to hide away forever.

At the same time, it was that public acknowledgment of my past that freed me because ultimately I realized that there was nothing to hide, as some of these people were family to me. And by going through this pain, I could hopefully understand and help those who went through it as well.

Growth After Battling Panic Attacks

As the years go by, I’m constantly given the chance to look back on that past with a different perspective. And four years have passed since then, and I have grown a lot from it.

The biggest lesson I’ve learned is that at the end of the day, I’ll come before God so I have nothing to hide. Yet even now, there is nothing that we struggle with that God doesn’t know.

Watching the pain and disaster of the world today was a sober reminder for me that the reason pain exists was because of a rebellion thousands of years ago, which the Bible calls sin. We live in a fallen world, and a fallen body with a fallen mind. And when I think of one person who understood most what it’s like to live in a broken world with fallen humans, one name comes to mind, our Lord, Jesus Christ.

When I read Isaiah 53, I see Jesus who is familiar with pain that is even greater than ours. To be rejected and despised by his own people, yet to still die for them, how painful that must be both physically and emotionally.

No one was as heartbroken or suffered as much as Jesus. So standing before my Lord who went all the way to the cross, what is my pain before him who suffered even greater? And it is understanding of how Jesus’ death has truly set us free from the greatest problem of sin, that I can now cling to the cross no matter what comes my way.

Even Charles Spurgeon, who was a famous theologian who labored hard in preaching the gospel, could not understand the pain of sadness amidst having hope in God. He quoted once in a sermon saying “My spirits were sunken so low that I could weep by the hour like a child, and yet I knew not what I wept for”. Despite his causeless sadness, he understood that no form of suffering can happen without God’s permission.

And just like how He gave Jesus the cup of suffering in accordance with His purposes, He too gives us suffering as part of his great plan although we might not understand it yet.

Finding Strength in Faith

The only hope we really have is God’s promise of a new body when we resurrect, to be enjoyed in a new heaven and earth. And in this perfect future, there will be no more depression or anxiety, nor sickness or death of any kind (Revelation 21:4).

Therefore, we can now await the day when God will restore everything back to normal. In the world we were meant to live with Him, there is no more sorrow and pain but only joyful worship, with the King.

As I persevere in my faith, I remember that I fight a greater battle than myself, which is God’s battle of bringing the lost to him and showing them this eternal hope that they can hold on to their lives. And the only weapon we have in our personal battle of the mind is God’s sweet gospel of salvation that we should earnestly proclaim to the helpless, and ourselves, time and time again.